In a way I didnt know what to expect this weekend but half of me was looking forward to it and the other was dreading it. But either way, there was something I knew I had to learn this weekend. This whole week was a crazy one indeed. Three assignments due on Friday and one computer programming demonstration on thursday (which I may add i totally screwed up so badly that the tutor had a good laugh at me) Anyways, I would have to say I divided my time quite well and rotated my work throughout the week.. I woke up at 8am on Friday and powered through to finish the assignments.. No distractions, no internet, no facebook (curse you facebook for being so addictive) and no food.. and I hit the computer and nothing held me back.. By 12 noon, I finished everything and was ready to hand up all my assignments and so I did.. with one last breath I returned to where my friends were sitting.. sat down.. let out one large sigh.. and realized i'm all done.. A smile spread across my face.. a sense of satisfaction of my hardwork and perseverence.. focus and determination (cheh-wah-kembang-gila).. But yeah.. It was all done.. the last day of the semester.. time just flew by.. and it was finally the end.. Finals is in two weeks which is another major bummer.. then it's one more cycle for the final semester and then i'm done for good. no more education.. no more university.. no more insecurity from the eyes of strangers staring at you as you walk by. and no more crappy food.. but yeah.. back to where I was telling the story.. so i was sitting there..with satisfaction..but in a blink of a moment, the feeling disappeared and I suddenly felt like.. like.. I had no more purpose in life (which is so not true because I know God has a big purpose for me but I just dont know it yet),. But just for that moment, thats what I felt.. throughout this whole semester all I have been doing is work work work, meeting deadlines and when I was finally done.. I wish I had something to do.. my friends asked me to stay back for lunch but in truth I actually wanted to go home and be alone.. but I had no change for parking somehow so in the end I decided to stay.. and as I sat there waiting for my friends to finish my work I realized what I was running away from all this time.. throughout these few weeks of running away and studying on my own or going home rather than joining them.. I was afraid of facing the truth and the fact that I feel so left out and alone now.. I felt a bit like I had no connection to anyone around me and I guess cutting it off initially was the easier way to move on and deal with my break up but then again.. Now it just felt like I missed out..but indeed my friends are nice people and no matter how quiet you are or how long you have been away.. they would randomly come up with a crazy story or theory to talk about that you somehow have to engage in conversation to either defend your opinions or listen to crazy controversial theories in life. well its funny but i'm thankful for them.. Then the weekend ends and i'm back home.. church gave me a bit time to fill my empty schedule.. but saturday was a whole different story.. woke up,, ate lunch.. slept back.. woke up.. ate dinner.. supper.. then slept back.. what a day.. it felt so short.. so unpurposeful.. but yet it helped me escape once again.. Then today here I am, sitting in starbucks (which I seriously should not come so often because i'm getting flat broke), listening to old songs which I used to love and songs from the 90's and the millenium, surfing the net, creating more picture posts, while all this time being.. alone.. Alone.. what a powerful singular word that defines so much for a person or situation and at the same time tells us nothing of the person or the person he/she is in.. what conclusion would you draw of a girl sitting alone in starbucks for hours doing nothing but typing vigorously on the laptop looking like she's doing something utterly important but in actual fact she's blowing her mind out on blogger.. LOL life is funny.. I know I say it way too much but life really is Funny!! I sometimes randomly burst out in laughter when life brings me lemons. LOL but yeah.. Alone.. I'm sitting here.. missing you.. but at the same time.. i'm happy and at peace.. and I know I'll be fine.. but there was a time in my life where I was never alone.. never wondering what to do.. never planning.. everyone was around.. constantly getting calls to go hang out at the mamak, watch a movie or just randomly drive from place to place with nothing to do.. haha (miss the four of you! and miss our random times! miss the noisy Satria that brought us around! lol).. But people's life change.. people move on,. people go places.. get a job.. and someday.. everyone is going to drift apart.. no matter how much we tell ourselves we will keep in touch.. things will never be the same again.. marriage.. kids.. things change and I guess i'm at that point in my life where I have started accepting CHANGE..or rather I am learning and slowly accepting it.. and its coming so quick.. my mind is ready but my heart is still hanging on a tiny string of hope that things remain the same.. "The Hardest Thing" by 98 Degrees is playing on my windows media player now.. lol so ironic.. You can hold on to everything you have around you and wish things to stay the same.. but they are never gonna stay the same.. science says that Change is the only Constant thing in our lives which is inevitably true.. and I am accepting change as it comes by.. some are good.. some are bad.. and the bad will teach me valuable lessons in life.. I am changing.. alone or not.. I'm embracing time as it passes and I pray you do too :) All the best in life, readers.. In case you havent been hearing it enough, I love you. Whoever you are reading this.. why? because God first loved me and now I can love you too.
Have a good week ahead :)
