it comes and goes

i knew it
just wait a few weeks, a month?
the drizzle will come back again.
sunshine.. gone.
was it ever here?
.
you know what to do.
just keep running.
like two gears. one rotating pulling the other.
(i just learnt that in dynamics class)
helps to keep myself distracted.
i mean focused right?
.
i miss my friends.
i miss my old friends.
i miss my primary school friends.
i miss my secondary school friends.
i miss my friends i lost touch with.
i miss my friends i forgot to keep in touch with.
i miss my friends that went away.
i miss my friends that i could trust.
i miss my friends that were there for me.
.
you know when i was young,
i had this issue.
maybe i still do.
i dunno..
.
i couldn't have anyone being angry at me or upset.
i'd just feel so bad.
even if we had a fight and it wasn't my fault.
i just couldn't let it be cause it didn't seem right.
i'd chase the person down.
tell them i'm so sorry.
beg for forgiveness.
i feel like an idiot :P
but that was how i was.
.
now that i'm older and ahem.
i seem to not care so much anymore.
why is that?
why?
.
you know why?
cause i realized they stopped caring to.
.
i mean.. i just really want things to be right.
things to be happy.
crystal clear and everything else to go away.
and you know what.
a part of me knows it really is gonna be good someday.
cause i told myself this once.
and i'm gonna stick to it.
but honestly.
for now.
i just dont care anymore.
dont give a shit.
but i promise you.
i'll change.
someday i'll be me again.
.
once i love a person.
i can never take it back.
love as a friend, lover, family member, pet, anyone.
you'll always be in my heart.
.
.
ever had that time in your life where you realized that you've changed a lot.
well yeah..
that's what happened to me..
i was just looking back on my life and thinking.
what the hell was i doing back then.
or what the hell am i thinking now?
why didn't i keep the promises i made?
why didn't i be like how i thought i'd be?
wasn't i suppose to be that person?
.
i feel like an old woman nagging on her past life or something.
but honestly.. i just wonder.
am i heading in the right direction?
is the people around me leading me to glory or to the path to doom.
where have u gone and what have you done to me?
.
my heart aches right now.
literally.
and it goes out to you
whereever you are.
if you feel lonely or blue.
think of something good you can do.
some part of you that hoped for righteousness once when you were young.
something you dreamt that would make the world a better place.
or the people around you happier.
.
think of it.
.
and seriously.
.
just go for it.
.