OMG MY BLOG IS STILL ALIVE

Alright so its been like forever since i've written in this blog and the funny part is, I say that everytime I start to write in here again. So lately a lot of things have been happening to me and I guess I just need a medium to spill out my thoughts and my feelings without being judged or without getting like a million replies of nonsense on facebook. This shall be my escape. So allow me to rant.

I did something stupid lately which was totally against my principles and now Ive got through every day with guilt in my heart. I wish I could just rewind, turn back time and shut my mouth. Not say anything. The things we do sometimes to get accepted into a community or to fit in with the others. I didnt even realize I was being that way until it was too late. And here i thought I was over the high school days but apparently I still have not grown up from my childish ways. It is kind of a slap in the face really. Here I am thinking I am facing adulthood with a steady relationship, steady job, new challenges of life, and I've always thought that I had my head on straight. But the moment I'm in deep waters, suddenly I start handling things differently.

Makes me wonder, how much does a person really change when they say they have changed? I was never a strong believer of change in a person. I believe people are susceptible to change but I dont believe they can be changed entirely unless it was through God. Now it hits me that, even though God helped us become the better person, it is still our choice and our efforts that are needed in order to keep ourselves this way. He mades us, showed us like, "hey look, this is the best version of yourself you can be right now at this time", and so we take it. But he never says, "hey this is the best version of yourself you can be right now at this time and its temporary, it lasts for 3 years, or once you take it, you'll never go back".. NO! he has never said anything as such! Why are you so nice to me God?? Really??? what significant thing have I done in this life, in my life or in someone elses life?? really??

I.DONT.GET.YOU and yet I love you so darn much it hurts everytime I do something wrong.

Which makes me move to my second point, can love exist without pain?
How can one come to know love if they have never known pain?
So with all this pain in my life right now God, I pray, let me come to know Love in a whole different level someday.. with you.. with others.. and with myself..

There. enough pouring out for today. I'll be back soon or in a few months time.