still..

I knew it all along and I knew it was a fact I was different and I have changed.. but I couldn't decide whether it was change for the better or the worst. All the more I couldnt Figure out What changed.. but I knew i felt different.. but now i see some things which i miss.. I dont talk about my feelings anymore or do i feel like feeling or talking in general.. When i hurt, I suck it up or put it in a bubble which I dont wanna touch.. I runaway because it's easier and I dont talk about things because generally I have nothing to say.. my mind blanks out frequently and I dont feel like I know what i'm doing or whether i'm doing the right thing in life.. I'm lost in my own mind and thoughts and I cant find my way out.. but I miss me.. I miss being confident.. being happy.. being dependant and independant at the same time.. I wish people were still around and I wish that life didn't take a turn on me.. I wish that I didnt take one two steps too far away from the people who cared for me in my life and I wish I held on tighter to those that I let go.. I wish I didn't lose touch with everyone from high school and I wish I remembered to keep in touch with the people I promise to.. but somehow in the end I blank out.. I forget everything.. what I did yesterday.. or what i felt.. or what I thought I'd do.. my plans.. my dreams.. my experiences.. I DONT KNOW.. but I know that something inside me hurts.. and I dont know what to do.. I'm sorry I never told anyone this.. and I'm sorry even more sorry I didn't tell You.. I'm sorry that I kept it in.. and no.. it's not something You can fix.. it's not something anyone can fix.. no one but God.. yet i'm afraid.. maybe i'm afraid God wont forgive me.. even though I know he will.. or i'm afraid that I would do the same thing again even after he forgives me.. the pain of not forgiving myself.. maybe that's what I feel? or is it emptiness or loneliness? Or hatred.. or anger.. I dont know.. I DONT KNOW.. I wish i knew.. but yet it's still there.. I just need the world to know i'm not perfect and i'm sorry to those who thought of me to be more perfect or more positive.. at least u know now that i am just human..

sigh.. I need to start letting out more..

... and please dont ask me about this. I just need to express myself freely without having to explain myself...