What drives?

Its funny how the very thing that brings you down 

and the very thing that drives you is..

Fear..

I guess then it's how we use this fear to benefit ourselves or others.

Nothing you fear can just be something bad.

Everything can be turned into something good.

Think about it.

If you fear death, you'll strive to live.

If you fear getting hurt, you'll grow stronger.

If you fear God, you'll serve him better.

If you fear losing, you'll put your all in doing best.

Nothing can be all bad.

Nope.

Never.

What are you afraid of?

Why do you fear it?

How can you use this fear for your advantage?

What's my fear....?

Sick food

Porridge.

HAHA.

*bluek*

via google images

thanks =)

~Storm by Lifehouse~

how long have I
been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I'd see you
the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright

I know you didn't
bring me out here to drown
so why am I 10 feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I see you
the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright

and I will walk on water
you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
I know everything is alright
everything's alright

Life slips away

There are two things i'm confused about...
One being how I feel and the other being how i'm Suppose to feel...

You grow up knowing the difference between being happy, sad, angry and so on.. But no one really teaches you WHEN exactly you are suppose to have these feelings.. In what situation exactly.. I mean how would you know what sadness was if someone didnt tell you that death is suppose to make you sad... What if you dont feel the same way.. Does that mean there's something wrong with you? If you choose to feel different than what the normal person feels.. Because naturally psychopaths only feel different than others.. or rather, they have no feelings at all.. No remorse. No regrets... Some say they are not human but in reality they still are..? So how are we suppose to feel really when certain drastic situations occur..

So many things have happened in my life where I know how i'm SUPPOSE to feel.. but what if i dont feel the way i'm suppose to... I'm suppose to feel sad about something.. but I'm happy about something else... Does that make me inhumane or wrong? No. It makes me different... The world sets standards on how you should be.. and what society should conform to.. but what is it actually? who are we measuring ourselves up to when we race to be on top.. when we try to achieve so much success in life... Are we running an imaginary race with Steve Jobs to create the next mind blowing technology? Or struggling to follow Mark Zuckerberg's genius success.. I mean really.. What if i'm happy doing the little things in life... selling coffee, washing cars or working at a local coffeeshop.. does that define my life as a failure in comparison... The world tells You what should be.. and naturally when the majority of people conform to the idea of how things should be.. Then the fact is produced on that matter.. But really.. who would define that thin was beautiful if not for the worldly views.. Life makes no sense sometimes..

Back to myself, since it's my blog (omg i'm so selfish)... well no one told me how to handle the situation i'm in now..No one told me whether i should be happy or sad.. and it worries me.. worries me whether i'm doing the right thing or feeling the right thing.. but yet i feel what i feel.. the only real connection i have right now is between God and me... the rest to the world seems vague at the moment.. I feel like i'm in my own world.. in my own dream.. but i'm afraid that i'll wake up to find it all untrue... i'm such a confused person it's not even funny... is a person really suppose to think this much??? erh.. how much of my brain is really being used.. Unfortunately it is all used for thoughts instead of studying.. bleh.. gotta get back to my work soon...

but yeah.. wish i knew what i should feel right now...
"I'm Numb to my own feelings... Paralysed to my situation... Delusional in my thoughts.."
Thats all. Thanks. Bye.


I wish you didn't do what you did, I wish you didnt lose your way, I wish you didn't hurt us all, I wish you didnt regret it, I wish you didn't lie, I wish you repented, I wish you apologised, I wish you payed more attention, I wish you forgave everyone, I wish I didn't hate you so much, I wish we were there more, I wish I could have helped, I wish I said sorry.. I wish I'd let go.
despite that, I forgive you...I pray to God, and plead to him, that somehow, you rest in peace..... Rest in Peace....

something that bugs me

hmm. cant believe it's the holidays and yet half of it is already gone. where on earth does time fly to?
Is it me or when u get older, things just start to move faster... it's like clocks magically start ticking at more than a second per tick.. and ppl start walking three to four steps more than usual.. or is the world just catching on to this speed that no one realizes that they are going faster and faster by the day...
seriously, its crazy! I came to starbucks at 11:30 am.. and i swore to myself.. "ok..i'm gonna finish all my work today, so i dont have to stress anymore, and i can enjoy my weekend"... so i thought.. buy a drink, relax.. read some facebook and blogs first and before u know it.. BAM! it's 12 something.. argh.. 

TIME... you are a pain in my arse...

But yeah. things move so quickly nowadays. Do ppl even stop to smell the roses anymore? Ok maybe ppl do but i feel like things go so unappreciatted these days.. and it's true.. We forget to tell our loved ones we love them before we leave the house.. we forget to put our dirty clothes in the laundry.. or we forget to close the windows.. or we forget to bring our headphones to starbucks and feel like an idiot when u're here... and you forget to tell the ppl you've hurt, you're sorry... yeah.. things like this happen.. Dont you find it funny that it's so easy to forget sometimes? To just move on and pretend things never happened.. I find it pretty easy however... But not when it affects my heart.. Some say.. move on u know.. it happened.. everyone goes through it.. but really.. how do u? So i think to myself.. if this affects my heart so badly.. what about the ppl which I have affected in my life?... Then it dawns on me... the Guilt of living this life... only my Father in Heaven can tell me what to do next... but i am only human.. and my feelings are all part of my human self.. but my soul is my other half.. what my Father tells me to do.. My soul makes me do it.. even when my human self has to suffer.. well no worries.. i'm learning day by day... and this hurt which i have caused on others... I will have to mend it someday... but in due time.. only the Father can heal it.. and so i leave it to him... I on the other hand.. have to learn how to move on in my own terms.. at my own pace and time.. There's no rushing into things.. something i realized that day was that my whole life has been a rush.. everyone and everything seemed to be pushing me into things.. but this time.. i'm taking it slow.. this time i wanna do things right... there's no rush.. but there's determination... I am not rushing.. but I am determined.. hopefully this time i got my priorities in check.. :)

LJ

With this.. I say to You.. I'm sorry that it didn't work out.. but things are not meant to be.. It may be in your eyes.. but then that's just the idea you like in your head. The truth is.. I dont feel the same way.. and someday you will accept that.. I'm sorry for everything.. but too much has happened and too much for me to change my mind... there's nothing left.. I will always care.. and you will always be my friend.. it will just take time.. But on a last note. It's over. Let go.. for your own sake.. 

P.s: dont call me after reading this

ooo

wow. look what i found from an old old post.

"If you dont like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Dont complain."
-Maya Angelou.

awakening

It's Easter holiday! finally!! i felt sooo happy the moment it hit Friday. It felt like i finally had a break. But then i rememebered there was the 30% assignment i had to do, internship report to finish, final year project to work on.. the stress piles up again.. but true enough, a holiday is still a holiday and it felt good that i didn't have to go uni to face anything..

Things were great over the weekend. It's Easter! Jesus is pinned to the sky! For God so loved the world, he gave his son to redeem the world. and lo, he is with us always, even to the ends of the earth.
*haha.. remember this one guys?*

But yeah, i was sitting there after mass alone, listening to the Easter song.. my favourite part of Easter.. and i felt a sense of peace in my heart.. I quote a good friend of mine.. Where else can this peace come from if not from the Father... and it's true... i sat there smiling to myself and thanking the Lord.. my goodness what a difference he has made in my life.. and true enough.. if he never came into my life.. i wouldn't be here today.. wouldnt be where i am.. I love you, Lord.. with all my heart, soul, mind and strength... :)

angie, roeshan, kath, me, ivy, chrishen, caren and lyn

i wanted to be in between the towers. lol. kev and shamus

the two nut cases :)

gooodddd boyyy.... hahaha

kevin, patrick, victor "cow" and sheldon

Well there was a loooootttt of eating involved.. particularly a lot of meat.. 40 days of fasting from meat realllyyy builds your craving to sink your teeth into some hard.. juicy.. meat.. hahaha.. omg.. i sound like a cannibal.. but yeah.. If it wasnt Easter, Sunday was the most sinful day I ever had this whole year.. lets see... after midnight mass, we headed to the Tay's for some nice pork knuckle, pork pasta, wild boar curry and kfc.. dang! lol and then night time we headed to Shamus's place where he cooked us a feast.. pork belly, roast lamb, bacon and lamb lasagna and salad... drools... thanks guys for making this weekend great..

This morning however, I woke up feeling really anxious, probably because of all the food i ate last night. You know they say you get nightmares when you eat too full and sleep. LOL now i know..

well yeah.. so i spent the morning watching tv and trying to get some work done.. but the thing about me is that when I am alone.. i tend to day dream a lot.. or drift away in thought... and i realized something this morning... I dont know how to be happy.. I really dont anymore.. It's like there's always something wrong with my life.. that now I just seek for problems or drama.. I dont know how to be happy anymore... when something good happens in my life.. I anticipate the next moment where something bad is gonna happen.. because to me.. it feels like.. nah.. this is too good to be true.. something bad is gonna happen next.. seriously.. what kind of feeling or thought is this'??? Is it normal..??? I dont think so..... but i want to be... I want to be happy.. so so happy.. and i am joyful and happy with the Lord... but when it comes to the earthly things and emotional situations.. Im full of doubts and questions.. I need to learn to accept things and be happy.. and the truth is... Now.. i'm really happy... I am... but why do i feel so scared... so afraid of things... or maybe afraid i screw things up and make a big mistake.. or dig my own grave... so much fear... for what???? for nothing....
To be fearless is impossible... but I cannnot keep fearing everything everyday of my life....
It's time for a change in thought, change in attitude, change in life.. and all for the better..

with God first and everything second.. I need this change.. I'm gonna make this change...

i wish i could fly..